One Side to Rule Them All: Mad Genius’s Ultimate Thanksgiving Side Dish Bracket

Since the dawn of time, man has faced many queries that have gone unanswered.

“What’s the meaning of life?” “Why are we here?” “Where does that missing sock from the dryer go?”

Those mysteries may always remain shrouded. However, is one question we believe we can answer: Which Thanksgiving side is actually—objectively—the best? 

Welcome to the only bracket that matters until your most annoying coworker harangues you into joining the March Madness pool. In honor of the number of side dishes during the first Thanksgiving (be cool and don’t look it up. Just trust us. Okay? Okay.) we’ve pitted 16 sides in a battle to the death.

Over the next couple of weeks, we will put the onus on you to select the winner of each matchup. These will be conducted in the greatest proving ground since the Roman Colosseum: a poll.

You’ll vote on each matchup. We’ll update you on the results until the ultimate winner is crowned. This is science. The results are final and binding. We act as a watershed moment upon which you’ll silence your uncle forever should he dare question your Thanksgiving contribution.

The Classics Region

We start off with the heavy hitters.

Mac n’ Cheese vs. Rolls

Two staples of Thanksgiving dinner face off in a first-round matchup for the ages.

Mac n’ Cheese is a true blue blood; a member of the old guard. The dish predates Thanksgiving itself, as macaroni noodles are thought to have been invented between 2000 and 1000 BCE in Italy. It was the English however, who had the vision to serve it with cheese, with the first known recipe being published in a book called “The Forme of Cury,” in the 14^th century. The tome reads, “Take and make a thynne foyle of dowh. and kerve it on pieces, and cast hem on boiling water & seeþ it well. take chese and grate it and butter cast bynethen and above as losyns. and serue forth.” Delicious. Luckily, centuries of trial and error have brought us to the mac n’ cheese of the modern age, complete with seasoning.

And on the other side: rolls. Just good old-fashioned bread. Nothing fancy. And it doesn’t need to be, because it’s bread, and bread is great. It’s great not just at Thanksgiving, but when you go to a restaurant and the waiter brings you a complimentary basket and then you fill up and barely touch your entrée. Rolls are, of course, even older than mac n’ cheese. You probably didn’t need us to tell you that, though.

Stuffing/Dressing vs. Cornbread

Is it "stuffing" if it's cooked outside the bird? Is it "dressing" if you're wearing it? We may never know. What we do know is that this savory bread casserole, in all its herby, chunky glory, is a true cornerstone of the Thanksgiving table. It’s the dish that looks chaos in the face and says, “Yes, I will absorb all of you and become something greater.”

Its opponent? Cornbread. The golden (literally if cooked correctly) child of the Thanksgiving table. Simple. Rustic. A true testament to the idea that you don't need fancy ingredients to be the star. Whether it’s soaking up gravy or being slathered with butter, cornbread is the humble workhorse that never fails to deliver. It’s the strong, silent type, and it’s here to win.

The Marvelous Miscellaneous Region

Dishes so versatile we couldn’t figure out where to put them.

Gravy vs. Cranberry Sauce

Don’t sleep on these saucy boys, as each can make or break their accompanying side dishes. Each is so essential they’re usually given the pride of place on the table for easy access and sharing. A good gravy acts as a valuable role player on a championship team. They may not score the most points, but they can always turn the tide in the clutch.

Across the way, we’ve got cranberry sauce. Now there’s been some debate on whether the canned stuff is better than homemade cranberry sauce, but who are we to say which is best? We’ll leave it up to the voter’s discretion which they imagine in this gargantuan matchup.

Deviled Eggs vs. Sweet Potato Casserole

This matchup might feel a bit lopsided, but there’s greatness to be had in each dish here. Done right, they can become the star of any great Thanksgiving dinner. First up, you’ve got deviled eggs, a Thanksgiving staple so unique it comes with a highly specialized serving dish that can only be used for it. How many foods can say that, huh?

Looking to take them down is sweet potato casserole. A little-known fact about this dish is it was originally conceived in 1917 by a marshmallow company. No, it wasn’t some sweet old granny looking to make the best out of the leftover sweet potatoes she had on hand. It was a nerd in a lab coat with beakers and tubes using science to engineer the perfect dish to push marshmallows on an unsuspecting public…and it worked.

The Pies Region

A battlefield carved up a slice at a time. "Pies are desserts!" we hear you wailing from the mountaintops. What is dessert but a side for the meal itself? And there are so many seasonal desserts that make their way onto Thanksgiving spreads, it would be rude to omit them altogether.

Sweet Potato Pie vs. Pumpkin Pie

Sweet potato pie is truly a dessert that is uniquely Thanksgiving-y. While Europeans had been putting root vegetables in pies for centuries, it was the sweet potato, native to the Americas, that brought those pies to a whole new level. This dish became a staple in the American South during the colonial era as sweet potatoes thrive in warmer climates.

And in this corner, the undisputed Gourd of Autumn, the Sultan of Spice, the Jack-o'-Lantern's final form: pumpkin pie. This dessert is so legendary, its flavor profile launches a thousand different seasonal products each year. It’s the taste of tradition. It's the unofficial flavor of fall. Pumpkin pie is not just a dessert. It's a cultural phenomenon. Pumpkin pies rose to popularity in the United States largely at the same time as sweet potato pies, though mostly in the North since that's where the most pumpkins were grown. Today, by far the largest producer of pumpkins in the U.S. is Illinois, giving this matchup a unique regional wrinkle.

Pecan Pie vs. Apple Pie

As far as Thanksgiving pies go, pecan pie is one that is deeply rooted in the holiday for several reasons. Mainly because the peak harvest season for the nut is from October through November, producing the best-tasting pecans available. So as the kids would say, it just “hits different” during Thanksgiving.

Is there a turn of phrase as ubiquitous and iconic as “it’s as American as baseball and apple pie?” We’re not telling you how to vote here, but some might say a vote against this patriotic staple is tantamount to treason. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? Seriously, we’re kidding. Vote however you want.

The Veggies Region

Vegetables done so well, your toddler will want seconds.

Greens vs. Creamed Corn

Let's talk greens. Are we talking about the bitter, beautiful complexity of collard greens, slow-cooked with a ham hock until they practically melt in your mouth? Or perhaps the simple, elegant snap of green beans, lovingly bathed in a mushroom-soup-based sauce and topped with those crunchy fried onions that are scientifically impossible to resist? You decide. Pick your verdant champion and defend its honor.

Facing this leafy legion is creamed corn. Is it a vegetable? A soup? A pudding? The answer is yes. Creamed corn is a baffling, beautiful enigma. It’s the culinary equivalent of a platypus: a weird, confusing combination of things that absolutely shouldn't work together, but somehow, against all odds, it just does.

Brussels Sprouts vs. Mashed Potatoes

We have the comeback kid of the vegetable world, Brussels sprouts. Once the boiled, mushy bane of every kid’s existence, the Brussels sprout has undergone a radical Kardashian-esque transformation. Now roasted, fried, and drizzled with everything from balsamic glaze to bacon bits, this little green orb has reinvented itself as a real contender. It’s a true Cinderella story, and when you’re doing a bracket, who doesn’t love a Cinderella?

We know what you’re thinking. “Potatoes are a starch, not a vegetable.” Well, the National Council of Potatoes (a real thing) would disagree with you. “But is that really an unbiased source?” Enough questions. They’re technically “starchy tuberous vegetables,” and plus we couldn't find another place in the bracket for them.

First-round voting will conclude on November 7 at 5:00 p.m.